The First Job

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The First Job

Postby Landrian on Wed Sep 09, 2015 9:29 pm

Landrian walked through the woods, the sun rays beaming through the canopy warming his face. "Pay attetention nature boy" came a call from infront, Landrian raised one hand in acknowledgement sighing as he did so, nature boy did they think that was an insult, they might feel at home behind their big walls but out here in these woods they where in his domain. "You know if you keep acting like a push over they'll never respect you" a soft voice whispered in his ear "you dont have to worry about me Willow" Landrian replied turning to look at a smiling face. "oh but i do worry you're all alone in a new place someone might try to take advantage of you" Willow answered smirking,"stop flirting with nature boy Willow we're here" came the call from the lead "jealous it's not you Carter" Willow retorted before pulling up her hood and walking to where the others waited.

"So bandits have been raiding a merchants shipments along the road outside these woods, we know they're base is in the cave just ahead nature boy and Willow go ahead and take care of any lookouts, then signal us fot the attack understood" Carter explained pointing in front of them all, " understood Carter come along nature boy" Willow said flashing a grin at Landrian "humans" he muttered as he turned to follow her.

"you know im older then you right and not even by a little" Landrian stated as they sat gettting ready "oh i know but thats what make's teasing you so much more fun,help me with these will you" Willow said motioning to the straps on her armour. "Landrian why havent you asked me why i only have my hood down around you"Willow asked looking up at him "i have never really noticed" Landrian replied tightening her armour straps, Willow sat in silence for what seemed like ages before she stood pulling her hood up told Landrian to follow her.

Landrian followed behind Willow wondering what had just happened "go left here the camps in front" Willow said walking off. Crouching low and useing the techniques his mother taught him Landrian made his way quietly through the trees until he was directly above one of the lookouts.while waiting for Willow to make her move Landrian decided whether to drop behind or ontop of the lookout behind being the safest and easiest choice, And when Willow came charging through the woods throwing her daggers out infront of her at the other two Landrian dropped down behind the third put a hand around his mouth and pushed into his heart. " I thought you was going to fall on him" Willow said removing her daggers from the throat's of her victims and wiping them on a cloth " i thought ab.." Landrian started but Willow had already walked off and signaled for the others.

the resulting fight was a massacre with no one to warn them and no way back out of the cave they made short work of the remaining bandits,the cave floor was sticky with blood and there was a commotion coming from the outside as Landrian made his way to the mouth of the cave he could hear Willow yelling and a lot of laughing "get off, get off, get off" she was screaming as Landrian came charging round out of the cave to witness Simmons trying to pull Willows hood down, "come now you show him your face is her better then me" simmons laughed as he ripped her hood off revealing Willows Red crescent moon scar along one side of her pale face, tears where rolling freeley down her cheeks the sight of it tore at Landrians heart and he lost all control.

He doesnt remember what happened but Willow tells him he looked like a demon with his armour soaked through in blood and gore, that he charged Simmons and grabbed his arm twisting until the joints popped and that Simmons screamed until he passed out unable to handle the pain, All he knows is no one will hurt Willow and he no longer gets called nature boy.




so i have seen all your stories and im jelous im not able to do it my self but im hoping with your help i can improve my writing starting with this story ^^
Last edited by Landrian on Sat Sep 12, 2015 6:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
One man scorned and covered with scars still strove with his last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable stars; and the world will be better for this
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Landrian
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Re: The First Job

Postby Aariam on Thu Sep 10, 2015 12:04 am

I think you have a good story, and that you should definitely keep at it. :D

One thing I noticed is that you could use some change in how the paragraphs are writen; I think it would be easier to follow if dialogue was given it's own line, for instance.

Example:

"Aariam, your hair is great!" says Salirien, smiling.
"Do you really think so?", Aariam says, and Salirien nods.
"I definitely do, sister. I am so envious."

Just one of the things that make everything much easier to follow.

Do continue to write, I really wanna see more of Landrian's adventures. ^^
Aariam Nightborne, former Keeper of Nature's Grasp.
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Re: The First Job

Postby Landrian on Thu Sep 10, 2015 9:06 am

Thank you Aariam and thank you for the advice i shall start working on doing that in any other stories ^^
One man scorned and covered with scars still strove with his last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable stars; and the world will be better for this
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Re: The First Job

Postby Salirien on Thu Sep 10, 2015 3:39 pm

Aariam gives sound advice. The structure and use of proper punctuation can do wonders for a text! :) That said, do keep writing! It's so enjoyable getting to have peeks at everyone's characters!

I've always said, never trust a human! Give them the rough treatment! :D
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Re: The First Job

Postby Edradir on Sat Sep 12, 2015 5:16 pm

I liked the story but especially in the beginning where Willow was teasing Landrian.

A hint is given here of the bond between those two and personally I like these
kind of hints because they add so much more color to the characters.

Looking forward to the next story.
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